Its been a while!

Well, friends, I have been silent for quite a long while. There has been very little going on in my life, to be honest. However, I have been thinking about something that I read and started to put into motion in April of last year.

In February or March of 2011, I found a genetic research study which would test myself and my children for the gene that causes diabetes. For me, this is a really big deal because I spent 26 years watching this disease kill my father. It would mean that I could know, without a doubt, that one or both of my children would one day be diabetic. It would mean that I could know wether or not my children would pass on this terrible thing to any grandchildren I may have later. Most of all, it would mean that I could seek treatment sooner and possibly even delay the onset of diabetes in my children. But not stop it.

Diabetes is no big deal to a lot of people but, to me, its terrifying. I worry day in and day out that my children might one day become diabetic. I try not to think about it, but every time they eat a piece of candy or drink anything that isn't water, I worry. To me, diabetes is like this great huge tank or out of control Mack truck that no one can stop. Not ever. So, yes, I want to know anything that would prepare me or help me to slow this down. Or do I?

You see, I began to think about this from another point of view. I already worry about twice as much as any normal, sane person should. If I knew that my children would never be diabetic, I would find something else to worry about. If I knew that they would become diabetic one day, I would treat them as if they were already diabetic and stress them out until I "mother hen" them into a mental institution. My children don't need that in their lives. Nor do I.

Now, I am stuck in limbo. Do I want to know, or don't I? I don't know. I don't know if I am strong enough to face the results. I don't think I have enough tears to get through the testing. I can't imagine my children growing up and living as my father lived. I grew up walking the halls of every hospital in this city. I know where I am allowed to park, who has the best sandwiches and where I can get free coffee. I don't ever want to make use of this knowledge again.

What are your thoughts on this?