One of many recurring dreams in my life came up again last night/this morning when I finally got to sleep. Not much really happens in the dream, I just see a woman's hand. Her right hand. It alternates between color and black & white. There is no sound in this dream. The hand is wearing a large, marquis shaped, wide banded, satelite style diamond cluster ring on the index finger. There is blood all over the hand, running in little rivulets down from the fingertips. There are no visible wounds or scars on the hand and for some reason I know the blood doesn't belong to the owner of the hand. This is someone else's blood.
There's always a sinister feeling in this dream. Like, I sort of suspect a Dexter-esque plot is underway but I've seen nothing, heard nothing and know nothing for sure. It isn't a terrifying dream, as some of the others are, but it feels important and poignant. There is some message being conveyed there which I'm not sure I'm truly getting.
To break the dream down, it is only ONE hand that I see and it stops at the wrist. That would count as a disembodied hand, I think. Now, a disembodied hand symbolizes being misunderstood and feelings of loneliness. The right hand symbolizes the masculine and active attributes of life. To see a ring in dreams symbolizes wholeness, commitment and loyalty. To see diamonds in your dream sometimes speaks of clarity of vision at last, but also it can speak to vanity in your waking life, possibly indicating a feeling of selfishness and vanity which is separating you from others. Dreams of blood speak of passion and love, but also of an emotional cry for help when someone else is bleeding in the dream. - Side note: Dreams of blood during menses or pregnancy are quite common - Dreaming in color and then fading to black & white speaks of changing perspectives. It signifies a time where you are looking at things objectively while laying aside emotional attachment.
So, let's put it all together. I would have to say that I feel lonely, worried and anxious. It would seem I am finally looking at things as they are instead of hoping they will go the way I want them to. Emotions no longer rule my life though I wish for more - and possibly even feel I'm entitled to more - than I have in my life at the moment.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
The last week and a half has been exhausting..
Just, before I get started with my semi-weekly bitchfest, I want to say "THANK YOU!" to Natalie over at http://www.myblogisboring.com/ for naming my blog one of her top 15 favorites. I don't know if she really follows that many blogs or not, but I love her blog and it made me squee a little bit to be included in her list. :)
Just to catch everyone up, things have been going fairly well for me lately. (I managed to pay up some old debts that had been sorely behind. I am still in the hole, but less than before and that is progress. So, YAY ME!) Tax season was good to me and I have managed to purchase myself a new computer monitor which I'd put off for a whole year even though the color was bad and the screen was blinking on my old one. Due to overpayment - accidental, I assure you - I recieved refunds from a couple of other places as well. With our fabulous refunded moneys, my husband and I decided it was time to purchase a new - used - vehicle for our family. Mostly because when he works, I am left without a vehicle and I personally like to always have two vehicles anyway in case one breaks down.
I did a lot of research, drove far and wide to big car lots, small car lots, visited my favorite used car salesman - yes, I really do still love you Lonnie, even though you tried to sneak one past me this year - and visited three nearby cities in my search. I looked at, inspected and passed by at least 300 cars. I opened the hoods and sniffed dipsticks on at least 100. Throughout all of this, I only liked 3 vehicles enough to drive them. But I only actually decided to drive two of them. All of this earned me a great big "You're too picky" from my husband, my mother in law and four different salesmen. Ultimately, I have to say, "Yes, I am". So what? I know what I want, I know what I like, I know what I have to spend, I know better than to even bother looking at the price tag, I know better than to tell a car salesman my REAL budget, and I am smart enough to do my research before I even drive the car because I don't want to fall in love with it if it isn't worth the asking price - even though I don't plan to pay the asking price.
Sadly, all of my shopping did not net the results I'd hoped for. I ended up buying a 1995 Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo from http://rsautoky.com/ for $2800 total (that is sale price + ttl). It was valued, in excellent condition, at around $3600-3800, depending on which car buying manual you consult. So, it seems like I got a fair enough deal. Except, I got halfway home (don't you love how used car buying stories always include the phrase "halfway home"?) and started hearing a noise like Rice Krispies under the hood. So, I stopped off at a reputable repair shop called Grissom's Auto Care at Outer Loop and Old Shep - they don't have a website for me to link to, I'm sorry. But they're AWESOME and I trust them more than any shop I've been to in a long time - to have a word about this noise.
The lady who runs the desk had a drive round the block and she was unsure what the problem might be, so she handed the truck off to one of the repair specialists who took it round the block as well. After his trip, he got out a hydraulic jack, checked the undercarriage and come back with a diagnosis of a bad transfer case. The transfer case is the 4 wheel drive part of the transmission on this particular truck and sadly, Grissom's does not do 4 wheel drive work. They referred me to someone else who they said was trustworthy, but he wanted to keep my vehicle for "a couple of days to try a few things" and see what he could do. Now, Grissom's I trust, but this person is someone I do not know and, in my experience, it is NEVER a good sign when a mechanic has not even MET your vehicle and already wants to keep it for more than a day and fiddle with it. I opted to take it to a mechanic who is a friend of a friend.
The good thing about a bad transfer case is that, apparently, you can disconnect the whole damn thing and still drive your truck as a 2 wheel drive vehicle without damaging anything. The bad thing is, I sort of NEED the 4 wheel drive in order to make a trip to visit my daddy's stone (off road, across a creek and up a muddy hill to the cemetary). The ugly thing is that a new transfer case is $1200 - let's do some maths, shall we? I paid $2500 before TTL. Retail of $3600-3800, middle ground being $3700. SO, I bought the car for about $1200 under retail and the day I bought it, it needed a $1200 part. Is this a coincidence? Maybe. Take a lesson from me, folks. If you go and look at a 4x4 vehicle, do yourself a favor and TEST the 4 wheel drive before you sign anything, okiedokie? Because I promise you, the guys at the car lot only had this to say, "Well, we don't know a lot about the cars we sell here. We try to tell the customers everything we do know, but we just make sure we tell you up front that we don't know a lot about them". So, yes, they wash their hands of the thing, which they have every legal right to do, then they move on while I am left with a $1200 headache before any labor is considered. Oi.
The longer I stew and search for this part, the more pissed off I get. I have visited every parts website, junk yard, auto salvage and individual classified ad for fifteen states. These things are as much as $800 used. USED! For a little over $600, I can buy all the parts and rebuild the inside of the damn transfer case from the Jeep dealership, but then I have to pay for the labor on not only pulling and replacing but also on rebuilding it. I'm not sure if this is injustice or not, but it certainly hurts ALL of my happy places.
Just to catch everyone up, things have been going fairly well for me lately. (I managed to pay up some old debts that had been sorely behind. I am still in the hole, but less than before and that is progress. So, YAY ME!) Tax season was good to me and I have managed to purchase myself a new computer monitor which I'd put off for a whole year even though the color was bad and the screen was blinking on my old one. Due to overpayment - accidental, I assure you - I recieved refunds from a couple of other places as well. With our fabulous refunded moneys, my husband and I decided it was time to purchase a new - used - vehicle for our family. Mostly because when he works, I am left without a vehicle and I personally like to always have two vehicles anyway in case one breaks down.
I did a lot of research, drove far and wide to big car lots, small car lots, visited my favorite used car salesman - yes, I really do still love you Lonnie, even though you tried to sneak one past me this year - and visited three nearby cities in my search. I looked at, inspected and passed by at least 300 cars. I opened the hoods and sniffed dipsticks on at least 100. Throughout all of this, I only liked 3 vehicles enough to drive them. But I only actually decided to drive two of them. All of this earned me a great big "You're too picky" from my husband, my mother in law and four different salesmen. Ultimately, I have to say, "Yes, I am". So what? I know what I want, I know what I like, I know what I have to spend, I know better than to even bother looking at the price tag, I know better than to tell a car salesman my REAL budget, and I am smart enough to do my research before I even drive the car because I don't want to fall in love with it if it isn't worth the asking price - even though I don't plan to pay the asking price.
Sadly, all of my shopping did not net the results I'd hoped for. I ended up buying a 1995 Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo from http://rsautoky.com/ for $2800 total (that is sale price + ttl). It was valued, in excellent condition, at around $3600-3800, depending on which car buying manual you consult. So, it seems like I got a fair enough deal. Except, I got halfway home (don't you love how used car buying stories always include the phrase "halfway home"?) and started hearing a noise like Rice Krispies under the hood. So, I stopped off at a reputable repair shop called Grissom's Auto Care at Outer Loop and Old Shep - they don't have a website for me to link to, I'm sorry. But they're AWESOME and I trust them more than any shop I've been to in a long time - to have a word about this noise.
The lady who runs the desk had a drive round the block and she was unsure what the problem might be, so she handed the truck off to one of the repair specialists who took it round the block as well. After his trip, he got out a hydraulic jack, checked the undercarriage and come back with a diagnosis of a bad transfer case. The transfer case is the 4 wheel drive part of the transmission on this particular truck and sadly, Grissom's does not do 4 wheel drive work. They referred me to someone else who they said was trustworthy, but he wanted to keep my vehicle for "a couple of days to try a few things" and see what he could do. Now, Grissom's I trust, but this person is someone I do not know and, in my experience, it is NEVER a good sign when a mechanic has not even MET your vehicle and already wants to keep it for more than a day and fiddle with it. I opted to take it to a mechanic who is a friend of a friend.
The good thing about a bad transfer case is that, apparently, you can disconnect the whole damn thing and still drive your truck as a 2 wheel drive vehicle without damaging anything. The bad thing is, I sort of NEED the 4 wheel drive in order to make a trip to visit my daddy's stone (off road, across a creek and up a muddy hill to the cemetary). The ugly thing is that a new transfer case is $1200 - let's do some maths, shall we? I paid $2500 before TTL. Retail of $3600-3800, middle ground being $3700. SO, I bought the car for about $1200 under retail and the day I bought it, it needed a $1200 part. Is this a coincidence? Maybe. Take a lesson from me, folks. If you go and look at a 4x4 vehicle, do yourself a favor and TEST the 4 wheel drive before you sign anything, okiedokie? Because I promise you, the guys at the car lot only had this to say, "Well, we don't know a lot about the cars we sell here. We try to tell the customers everything we do know, but we just make sure we tell you up front that we don't know a lot about them". So, yes, they wash their hands of the thing, which they have every legal right to do, then they move on while I am left with a $1200 headache before any labor is considered. Oi.
The longer I stew and search for this part, the more pissed off I get. I have visited every parts website, junk yard, auto salvage and individual classified ad for fifteen states. These things are as much as $800 used. USED! For a little over $600, I can buy all the parts and rebuild the inside of the damn transfer case from the Jeep dealership, but then I have to pay for the labor on not only pulling and replacing but also on rebuilding it. I'm not sure if this is injustice or not, but it certainly hurts ALL of my happy places.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Why having a vagina is the bane of my existence.
Well, its been a helluva few days. The car has started doing something I am sure is bad. The wheels are all flumpy bumpy like one of them is going flat but none of them are. This makes me afraid to drive it. But I don't have another car because my other car caught fire last summer so, if I have to go somewhere, its either drive the scary car or take the bus.
The washing machine went to hell on me the night before last. My kitchen flooded and the only thing I could do was take the six loads of dirty laundry that were waiting to be washed and dump them all into the floor to soak it up. I don't own a shop vac. Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck. So, now its been three days and I'm finally done washing the WET clothes, but there are another six loads of laundry piled up waiting for me. Suck my balls.
The thing that chaffes my ass is this - If I had a dick, I just KNOW someone would have taught me how to fix that washing machine AND the car. But I don't have one. I got told "Girls don't do that" all my fucking life. Its gotten to be so that every time I think of vagina I think of weaknesses and shortcomings. Except for when I was a teenager and my boyfriend taught me how to drive. He also taught me how to tune up my own car and adjust the idle on my own carburator. Why? Because he didn't think having a dick meant he should have to do it for me. Ergo, if he taught me to do it myself, he didn't have to do it for me later. He was sort of a dickface but also sort of a genius.
So, a friend of mine reminds me that a penis already lives here. The one I happened to be married to, but he can't fix it. Of course he is known to look at something and decide it is just too hard and give up on it. As am I. The suckiest part of all is that, now I have to wash all those clothes by hand in a sink or bathtub before they mildew and funk up my house. Where is the justice? The car isn't working right, the washer goes bad and the kitchen is flooded which leaves me washing laundry by hand. My husband, while agreeable enough when asked to help me do most things, rarely volunteers or even thinks to do such things himself. (I don't think its malicious or anything, it just seems like he hasn't really grown out of his bachelor ways even after four years together). So, I am writhing, seething, twitching with anger and disgust at it all.
Ugh
The washing machine went to hell on me the night before last. My kitchen flooded and the only thing I could do was take the six loads of dirty laundry that were waiting to be washed and dump them all into the floor to soak it up. I don't own a shop vac. Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck. So, now its been three days and I'm finally done washing the WET clothes, but there are another six loads of laundry piled up waiting for me. Suck my balls.
The thing that chaffes my ass is this - If I had a dick, I just KNOW someone would have taught me how to fix that washing machine AND the car. But I don't have one. I got told "Girls don't do that" all my fucking life. Its gotten to be so that every time I think of vagina I think of weaknesses and shortcomings. Except for when I was a teenager and my boyfriend taught me how to drive. He also taught me how to tune up my own car and adjust the idle on my own carburator. Why? Because he didn't think having a dick meant he should have to do it for me. Ergo, if he taught me to do it myself, he didn't have to do it for me later. He was sort of a dickface but also sort of a genius.
So, a friend of mine reminds me that a penis already lives here. The one I happened to be married to, but he can't fix it. Of course he is known to look at something and decide it is just too hard and give up on it. As am I. The suckiest part of all is that, now I have to wash all those clothes by hand in a sink or bathtub before they mildew and funk up my house. Where is the justice? The car isn't working right, the washer goes bad and the kitchen is flooded which leaves me washing laundry by hand. My husband, while agreeable enough when asked to help me do most things, rarely volunteers or even thinks to do such things himself. (I don't think its malicious or anything, it just seems like he hasn't really grown out of his bachelor ways even after four years together). So, I am writhing, seething, twitching with anger and disgust at it all.
Ugh
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