Just not sure

Life is moving slower than I ever thought it might. I keep seeing all these missed opportunities or having opportunities present themselves in a context of "If you can manage to build it, they will totally come". But the building is janky as hell because I have to go out and get all these permits and pay for permissions to dig before I can even start. So, of course, by the time I get all of those things taken care of, I don't have any money left to buy the building materials! Sometimes I think that by trying to do everything the RIGHT way, I'm totally doing it wrong.

This is a metaphorical building, in case you didn't know.

I do try very hard to do the right thing and in most cases, I'm confident that I accomplish that. There are those times when I really am not sure that I could possibly make a right choice so I take the path of least resistance. Those are the times when I second guess myself. I just feel like I could have done more or different, but the reality is that I probably could not have made anything better if I had chosen the road not taken.

My dad was never very proud of my career choices. He would have been very pleased if I had chosen to stay in culinary arts and made a chef of myself, but then I could not have spent his declining years with him and I'd not change that even if it meant he could have been prouder of me. I knew and know that he needed me more than he would ever admit, so I made a conscious choice not to return to food service. Now that he is gone, I do think maybe I should go back to it but at the same time, I'm very happy with what I do even though it doesn't pay as well as I'd like it to. I help people as much as I can and most of them pay me for my help. A lot of them don't, and I'm okay with that if I know that I've done them some good. It bugs the shit out of my husband, but well, he doesn't work much himself. So, stuff it. If I'm doing the work, I think I should be able to set the price, right? Right.

I'm really tired and I've been pretty sick for a while so I'm hoping winter won't be too harsh for me. Its already been a rollercoaster, but I've seen jays and cardinals building their nests already so, hopefully spring will be awesome and come soon. If I ever get to feeling well, I would love to be able to go for long walks through the neighborhood again. It really is a lovely neighborhood I live in. If you stay away from the apartments where the crazy naked man shot the police officer last summer, I mean.